Summary of my 2011

The year is coming to an end. I don't remember penning so much of my thoughts in this little space, like ever. All i did for this blog was to feed it with pictures of outings with everyone but this year (okay maybe not this year but the end of it) everything started to change. This space of mine became really down and upsetting to read.... I hate it. I hate myself for being such an emotional wreck. I hate myself for being so needy, hate myself for ever giving myself hope.. Hope to trust someone again. Bull shit.

I can't really explain what im feeling like right now? Like a mix of anger and sadness all in one night y'know... that type of feeling? There are nights i just want to cry, nights i just want to party all night.. Just because i trusted you too much, i trusted you to not be like one of them... Okay maybe you're not but you ultimately broke my heart.... into like a thousand million pieces..... and im not even blaming you (yeah right haha) my bad my bad for believing you're different just because i felt so different with you...

Can't really say i can ultimately get over you. I mean, you are the guy that drove me insane... honestly i fell into a short depression phase.. I got so needy and sick and.. i dont know, i wasn't myself anymore. I NEVER GOT SO UPSET BEFORE IN MY LIFE. Not even after my grandma passed away, or seeing my dad cry for the first time.. Crying myself to sleep every freaking night, crying infront of my parents.. all the time.. They got so worried for me they'd ask me what happened.. But i couldn't say.. Friends got so worried. All that just for you..

And i lost my friends. I lost 3 of my closest friends because i couldn't grab hold of myself. Imaging being so heartbroken without anyone to pick you up no one to talk to, to hug you and tell you its going to be fine, no one there, not even your closest friends. IMAGINE THAT. The hurt... i don't want to go back to that ever again... It is so fucked up, i'm only 18, i don't need all these shit happening when i've just turned legal.... and my family apparently had history of depression.. I learnt a lot this year..

After Christmas everything started getting better.. The quackers got back together, slowly rebuilding the friendship we once had. And i'm thankful i decided to help myself up this time. Yeah at times (actually most of the time) i'll be missing you, thinking of you but i know.. Theres no us anymore.. Just because you say so of course. If you think you'll be happier this way then alright i'll give in to you like i always do.. But if you ever say its because you want to see me happy... Um.. no. I was fucking miserable without you and i dont think i'm going to be partying my ass off because i lost you. Nope, it doesn't work that way.

You've given me best days to remember, you've made me the happiest girl i've ever been (i mean happy as in i throw my phone aside just to spend time with you.. yeah i dont really do that on dates.. ignoring my phone..) But this year you've worn me down to my lowest, the point i really wanted to give up. You gave me both best and worst days of my life and you should be proud of it.. At least now you know someone is going to remember you for a long LONG time.. For the good and the bad reasons haha.

I love all my friends, my quackers that have been there for me.. All the way or not, i know i have you guys to count on.. :') Not going to hope 2012 is going to get any better. Im just going to go one step at a time to find myself again..

I'll never have enough questions to ask, words to say to you. But when i see you all i want to do is to give you a hug..... Seriously.. I cant even bring myself to hate you even if i want to.. If i had 1 wish for Christmas i'd tell the genie to erase you off my life. Memories, name, everything. Even the happy memories.. You're too much for me..